This is not the post I had intended to write today, or this week, or really ever. In fact if you've noticed there has been an absence of posts for a week. Part of the reason for my spotty posting is what I need to get off of my chest. It is what has been in my head for the past few weeks and I thought maybe the best thing was to write it down, and maybe it would help me work through it. I need a break. Oh, dear merciful heaven, do I need one.
I love my daughter more than I ever thought possible. The moment the hospital staff put her into my arms, I was overcome with a depth and type of love I could never have imagined and cannot even begin to properly explain. I would do absolutely anything for her. I cannot stand to be away from her for any length of time, but I am going to have to learn to occasionally for my own mental health. The few hours that I work outside of our house each week I rush through so that I can get home to Baby Lovely. The Captain and I have been on exactly two "date nights" since we became a family of three a little over five months ago - one was an anniversary dinner that we rushed through and the other was a movie (sans dinner).
I had a fairly stressful job pre-mommyhood. So when we decided that I would stay at home, for some reason I thought it would be an opportunity for me to de-stress and perhaps become a little less tightly wound. (Mothers, stop laughing.) I had a long list of all of the projects I would get done around the house. Right now I'm just lucky we all have clean clothes to wear and nothing is growing in my sink. Don't get me wrong - the rewards of sweet baby grins and coos beat a paycheck every day of the week for me. What I had neglected to realize though is that when I left work most days I did just that - left it. So far Baby Lovely doesn't come with that option (minus my overwhelming fear I'm going to leave her somewhere by accident.).
I am exhausted and burned out and I feel ridiculously guilty. I can't make everything balance and I am petrified to let anyone down or ask for help. I have been so tremendously blessed with a wonderful, sweet little girl that I feel guilty for feeling overwhelmed. She's just one baby, for heaven's sake. I know that this stage will pass - I know that B.L. is growing up and growing more independent every day. I know she won't require as much from me forever and I want to cherish every second. I also know that like this I am not the woman I want to be though. I'm going to have to ask for help. I'm going to have to start going on dates with my husband again (this is not nearly as awful as it sounds.) I have to remember that I am an individual and a wife and not simply a mommy. I resolve to go on at least one date a month with my husband and have at least two hours a week just to myself - and hopefully find myself again somewhere in there. Wish me luck.
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